At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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