Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
