Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I can tuck mytits in my pants
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
