My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Randomize
