i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
