Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
