Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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