so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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