For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
