the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
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I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
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We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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