So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Randomize
