Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
