The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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