My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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