I think I won the penis lottery.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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