Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Randomize
