i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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