In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
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