she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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