I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
