my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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