I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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