I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Randomize
