Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
