Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
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