I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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