My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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