Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I should be sponsored by Trojan
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
