I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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