I'd wear matching sweaters with you
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
