My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
