im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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