APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
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He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
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She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
How does one acquire holy water?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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