so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
