you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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