I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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