my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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