You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
