chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
