She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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