are you so shy because you have an std?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
