my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
