i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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