The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
