I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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