the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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