i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I need moral support for this bender
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
We were destined to go to rehab together
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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