You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
