Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
