onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
