I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I think people are normalizing furries
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
