Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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