I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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