Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
