what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Randomize
