literally had 100 drinks last night.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
