I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
