Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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